Check Out This Not New York Day Complete With Explosive Diarrhea

I was really showboatin’ this past Saturday. Check it:

8:00am Practiced Yoga
Started the day out at Ashtanga Yoga New York (AYNY) taking the led-primary as part of their “Mini-Retreat” Saturday special extravaganza. Haven’t been taken through the first series by an instructor in a while. Was good to have it slowed down and thus made super-intense. I sweated. I also had some phlegm caught in my throat for most of the standing sequence so was making all sorts of “man sounds” and grunts. Bummer.

10:00am Attended Lecture on the Nadis
The led-primary was followed by a lecture by me teacher, Eddie Stern, on the drishti points (where you look when doing an asana), but pleasantly veered into a discussion of the nadis, which, imagine that!, are linked to the drishtis. We covered about ten of the 72,000 odd circuits said to be coursing through the body. I caught about four of them, and of those four three I had already been familiar with. Admittedly, I am not very nadi-literate.

10:45am The License Plate Said “Kemet”
After leaving AYNY I had that NNY moment that makes the olde heart sing. While walking up Crosby I saw a fancy black car pass by with a license plate on the ride that read “KEMET.” I immediately got all excited and giddy. My love affair with kemetic studies is not a secret, so any time I catch a glimpse I get all sorts o’ tingly. The people around me probably thought I was crazy: bundled up in, like, six jackets because it was so cold out craning my head trying to follow the car. I suppose if I told them why I was smiling so much, they would probably have just smile back and said, “Sorry. I don’t have any change.”

11:00am Played Crazy Electric Guitars
I’m having a courtly lust affair with a new American Standard Fender Telecaster hanging on the wall at Matt Umanov Guitars. Lately I’ve been going in, chatting with my man who helps me, Ardell, and taking the lovely lady into the practice room for a smooth session. Wanna buy it.

1:00pm Ate Paneer Wrap at Bhakti Cafe
I think I’m spending too much time at Bhakti Cafe. It’s not like I’m a devotee of either the place or the path, but lately I’ve been ending up there far too often. While sitting there waiting for the wife to arrive I eavesdropped on one Krishna devotee and another Krishna enthusiast giving a woman a super-long lecture on what Hare Krishna is all about. They were laying it on nice and thick, real cool and collected-like, and the woman barely said a word. The scene reminded me of the old days in college getting the Krishna rationale from all angles in the hardcore scene.

1:15pm Had Panic Attack
On a totally unrelated note, after the wife arrived I started to have some anxiety (not related to wife’s arrival). This is something that’s come up for me in the passed year and can get into later. Let’s just say panic attacks suck. It’s like your heart is screaming, the scroll of reality is unraveling, and everything is turning into bad-ness. Not fun.

2:00pm Walked Off Panic Attack in the East Village
Around 2pm I decided to stick the wife with the bill (her friends had arrived) and walk off the panic attack in the East Village. This had amazing effects, especially after speaking to the girlfriend on the phone.

2:45pm Had Explosive Diarrhea
The funny thing about anxiety is that for me when it’s finishing its ass whooping, I have to take a major crap. That day was no different, and by the time it was in full force I couldn’t find a bathroom and the bowels were getting all sepuku on my ass. I walked into that Sit n Sip coffee shop or whatever it’s called on Ave. A, but the line for the bathroom was way long, and so I had to stumble around, again looking insane (remember jackets?) looking for an open bathroom. I finally found one in that uber-green living store/cafe on A and ran up to the counter where I told the dude I’d buy a water but needed to use the bathroom first. He was young and jaded and gave this homeless-looking guy (me) the “whatever, crazy man” nod. I threw my yoga mat on the floor of the cafe and ran into the bathroom and…just…blew…the…f@^%…up. Like, crazy. Then, while destroying the place with my ass, I realized there was no lock on the door, so the entire time I had to hold the door closed with one hand, hoping I had enough leverage to keep it shut if some slow-food muscle-head yanked on it to come in. I had to do this while wiping as well. Awkward, and both mentally and physically enduring.

When I got out and told the counter guy about the lock he said that it locked automatically. Damn.

4:00pm Went to Enchantments
Having finally unloaded my burden, so to speak, I went into the Goth meets Crowley meets pagan meets hoodoo shop, Enchantments, located on 9th St. Now, I’m as happy as the next occultist that Enchantments exists. I really am. But $5.00 for an Oggun candle? Come on! This is silly white people upsell stuff. It really is! You can get the same frickin’ candle at any botanica anywhere in the city for half that, straight up. I mean, in one sense I’m thinking: Yeah, ok, charge the white man whatever you can get for it. But, I’m also thinking: F- that. You’re trying to play me. Do white people always have to over charge for everything spiritual? Are the Black Hebrews right?

4:45pm Walked Passed Two Psychics
I left Enchantments feeling kind of bummed and headed south. Turns out that new psychic readings shop on Mulberry is, like, directly across from the already established psychic place on Mott, just one block over. The Mott place had a placard out with all their spiel on it, and the new place is just sitting there looking sad, wishing it was opened. Frown.

5:30pm Went to Krishna Kirtan
Feeling sort of haggard from it all I mad my way back to AYNY in order to catch a bit of the six-hour kirtan the Krishnas were throwing.

10:30pm Watched Twin Peeks
Everything settled in as I finally wrapped myself in a blanket with the lady friend while watching agent Cooper keep it real in low-def pirated episodes of Twin Peaks.

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