My Mom Talks About the Hurricane |:| Poop Tonight So You Don’t Have to Tomorrow

Mystic Islands. Same as it eva wuz. Thankfully.

Was talking to my mom on the phone about the hurricane and realized I needed to get some of it down, as those of you who read my last “interview” with my mother may understand why. Here’s a little of what I could catch. I tried to ask about God to make it relevant to the site, but, she being the good Catholic she is, avoided the question with bludgeoning precision.

Are you worried about the hurricane?
Oh, yeah! Even down the shore, I mean I was a nervous wreck, Bobby. They say make sure you have plenty of this, that, and the other thing. They say even fill up your bath tub in case you need to flush the toilet.


Are you gonna fill up the tub?
I gotta remember to do that. Just in case. God forbid I gotta flush the toilet.

Why would you need to flush the toilet?
Like if you go poops or pees or whatever. Duh. I guess you could do your poohs tonight so you don’t have to go tomorrow. Don’t you fucking pay attention?

And if trees fall down…. You gotta put that motorcycle away. Where is it?

On the street.
On the street? Get it off the street, Bobby.

Get it off the street. I mean, they’re even saying Hoboken is evacuated

Yeah, man. They say Hoboken is e-vac-u-ated.

Who do think is causing the hurricane?
What? How should I know?

Do you think God is causing the hurricane?
What-everrrrrrr. You’re a pain in my ass.

Why? You don’t think God is causing the hurricane?
No. You know… you really are. You’re a pain in my ass. You know that?

So, did your father call you a million times?

So, you don’t think God is causing the hurricane?
No. It’s your fathers fault. He’s causing the hurricane.

Are you going to pray you’re safe?
Yeah, I’m praying for everybody. I don’t even know who. Hopefully no one gets hurt. I pray for everybody. I don’t care who they are.

How do you pray?
What difference does it make how I pray?! You are an asshole. What did I raise?

Why do you get so defensive over the question? What’s the big deal?
Why do you ask me stupid fucking questions? I’m gonna adopt another kid. That’s it.

Why are you so angry?
Your stupid ass questions, that’s why. “Oh, duh, man. How do you pray?” What the fuck difference does it make? Cut your hair and cut that beard. I’m gonna have a heart attack and blame it on you. And get that motorcycle and put it inside.

I will, I will….
It’s supposed to be bad. They’re closing rail lines and train lines. Even bus lines.

Sounds like they’re cutting a lot of lines.
They are!

What did you stock up on?
I got plenty of water. Of course, your step father has got plenty of beer. Food where you can just eat it without cooking it.

What kind of food do you not have to cook?
No, we got something yesterday from the restaurant. J— likes that place down the shore. You know, I got tuna fish. Peanut butter and bread. Strawberries and blueberries.

You got fruit?
Yeah. Stuff I can pick at.

I didn’t know you ate fruit.
I’m also getting more liverwurst.

Yeah. And take care of that stupid motorcycle.

I’m not kidding, Bobby. Ok, knuckle head?

Ok, I’ll talk to you later. I love you.

I love you too.


[About thirty seconds after we hung up she called back.]

Are you gonna get that bike off the street?

Yeah! God….
No, Bobby. They say it’s gonna be bad. I know I’m a pain in the ass.

No. I’ll do it.
Ok. Just do it.

Ok. Bye, knuckle head.



To read my mother’s answers to intense spiritual questions feel free to click here.

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